It’s hard to let go. Change is scary, especially major life change. For me, to have a child is just such a change. And it took me many months to let go and give it to God. This is the story of God’s grace and provision, even in my shortcomings.
January 25, 2008
I always wanted to be a mom. I love kids...other people's kids. Dan and I have 12 nieces and nephews and we adore them all so much, and we have many friends with children, and they're all such a blessing to us. A couple years ago, we thought we were ready to start a family of our own. I went off birth control, started prenatal vitamins, and then we both looked at each other and said, “What are we doing? We’re not ready! ” Financially we weren’t where we wanted to be for starting a family, and we just didn’t feel like it was the right time. I went back on birth control, and the desire to start trying, never really came back. However, the idea of having a baby consumed my thoughts. When to start? Were we ready? Was I remotely mature enough to be a mom? Gradually Dan became ready, but in no way pushed or persuaded me to be ready. I became afraid. I was afraid that everything I knew and loved would change, and I didn’t want it too. Mostly I was terrified that my relationship with Dan would somehow suffer and change. I like being the “newly wed” couple, even though we’d been married for four plus years. We had so much fun together, and loved each other so deeply. I kept focusing on what some women were staying about being a mom, all their complaints, the negative parts of parenting, and how hard it all was. I wasn’t naive about it. I knew it was going to be a life changing event, and that it was going to be difficult, but I didn’t focus on God, or what Godly women were saying about the blessing children are, and the daily grace God gives to you as a mother.
I mean honestly, do we look ready to you?
In late spring of 2007, I met with a dear friend who is a Godly woman and a mother of five great kids. After spending the afternoon with her, I realized all my “reasons” for not having kids yet, were selfish and ungodly. Fear for one, is obviously not from God, but somehow I miss putting that together on my own. There were no more valid point on my side! No more Godly reasons for waiting. God was calling but I didn’t want to listen. It wasn't that I didn't love kids; I was just too selfish and fearful to have my own. It was time, but I was too terrified to let go. All the “what ifs,” and the reality of how much my life would drastically change, and that fact that it would never be the same again, etc., plagued my thoughts! But the bottom line was, I just wasn’t willing to let go and trust God, and it became so clear after talking through it with my friend. God opened my eyes. Although, even now that I could hear him calling, I really didn’t want to let go. Thankfully we have a gracious and patient God!
Dragging my feet, I sort of let go, (if that’s even possible)! Dan and I had a big five year anniversary trip planned for September. So that May, I said to myself, Dan, and God, that I would let go and trust God; I would start trying after our trip. When September came, it was just as hard as before. I knew what God wanted, but now I had to actually trust him and let go completely. It was easier for me to let go back in May, when I knew that it was a few months out. But now that the time had come, I had to give it to God for real. I finally let go, not so much joyfully, but rather fearfully. But God softened my heart day by day, and week by week.
I gradually became more excited, and the fears and "what ifs" became less and less. God softened my heart and started to give me joy about the possible future. I still had my fears, but I tried to focus on the grace God gives daily, even in my short comings as a future-parent.
We had a small set back at the end of November. I went in for my annual checkup and my doctor found a giant tumor on my left ovary. We were told to stop trying until it was removed. We waited two weeks to make sure that I hadn’t conceived that cycle, and then they scheduled the surgery and removed the tumor, my left ovary, and my left fallopian tube. (I’m so thankful that God gives women two ovaries, and that having just one, doesn’t affect our chances for getting pregnant). I can see now why God didn’t want us to be pregnant before this time. It is encouraging to remember that God is in control and cares so deeply for us and that he has a bigger picture in mind for us.
March 21, 2008
So we began trying again in January, after the tumor was gone; this time with even more hope and desire. God has truly softened and changed my heart. Dan and I really desired to be parents, and I am learning not to dwell on the “what ifs” and future of our kids. Just as before, I over think everything! Being the detail-oriented person that I am, by the beginning of each cycle, I know the due date if I get pregnant that month, and how and when we’d tell the family. Having all my details figured out, makes it that much harder each month I’m not pregnant. It’s hard not to get caught up in it all. I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect, and that I need to fully rest in him.
After all the disappointing months of not being pregnant, I keep trying to completely let go. I have to continually remind myself not to dwell on the details, or the "what ifs." I have faith that if God wants us to have a baby then his timing will be the perfect time for us to have a baby. If we can truly let go, it’s amazing how freeing it is to rest in God and the plans he has for our life. There’s so much peace and love when you’re resting in his arms. It seems to be a lesson I have to keep learning.
Trying to get pregnant is a funny season of life. When you’re trying, you suddenly have all the symptoms of being pregnant. “I feel really queasy, am I pregnant?” “I just don’t have any energy today, am I pregnant?” “I really crave blueberry pancakes, am I pregnant” “Do my boobs look way bigger? Maybe I'm pregnant!” It’s also funny how all the sudden, everyone around you is pregnant or has a baby. Everyone is suddenly talking about how much of a blessing kids are, and how much they love their children. Whereas before, when I wasn’t trying, everyone was talking about how hard it was to be a mom, and how difficult their children were. You hear what you want I guess! Now when I see pregnant women, or babies, I melt, and look at Dan with my big eyes all hopeful.
April 19, 2008
It’s just hard! Each month that passes makes me worry that maybe something might be wrong; maybe I'm unable to get pregnant. But I know that God has the perfect timing for our baby. His or her spouse, his or her friends, their whole life and all they encounter is in God’s perfect timing. The birth date of our child isn't the big picture. It's the people he or she comes in contact with. It's the life that he or she will live and how he or she serves God. I don’t know the future, God does, and I have to keep reminding myself that he is in control of all the details, big or small, and I need to rest completely on him.
July 28, 2008
April 23rd, day 29 of my cycle, no period yet. It was 8:30am, Dan was getting ready for work and we were packed up to fly out to Scotland later that day. Since we were going to be out of the country for 13 days, I decided to take another pregnancy test. (The one taken 6 days earlier was negative). There it was, a faint, faint second line. I was under the impression that there had to be two distinct dark lines, so I wasn't really sure what to think. I came out of the bathroom, slightly smiling and slightly confused. I said to Dan as he was brushing his teeth, “I might be pregnant, but I’m really not sure.” We were both confused and excited, and I told him I'd take another test later that day and let him know. During work, I texted him a picture of the two pregnancy tests and a sign that said “We’re Pregnant!” Needless to say, he was pretty distracted from work the rest of the day!
The Text I sent Dan
Our first Prego picture, taken in Scotland
It was so surreal. We were in Scotland, celebrating with Brian & Kellie, but it just didn’t feel real. The day we flew home, I was 6 weeks pregnant, and the nausea started!!! (It was such a blessing not to be sick while we were there thought). I felt so sick for 7 more weeks, throwing up primarily in the evenings, and maybe having one “good” day a week. My fear was that it would last for all 9 months! Nothing seemed to make it stop; no home remedies, no meds, prescription or over the counter. Dan was an amazing help. I couldn’t make dinner, I could hardly do my job, and we were both exhausted from the craziness. It’s sad how quickly you can go from joy to despair. I loved this baby, I didn’t however love being pregnant! I was so thankfully that God had allowed us to conceive, I just didn't picture myself curled up on the bathroom floor crying as a result of the blessed miracle.
Our first Ultrasound at 10 weeks
Finally, it seemed to stop. About half way through week 13, I was feeling a lot better. Instead of one good day a week, I was having 6 good days. Life began to feel “normal” again. Week 15 we flew down to New Mexico to see my mom, and my belly popped out a little! Overnight, I suddenly had a little baby bump! I was finally starting to get excited about being pregnant. It was starting to feel more real, although every day I still have an “oh my word, I’m pregnant” moment!
14 weeks
My pregnancy symptoms aren't what I expected. I don't have the stronger, longer, healthier nails I'd always dreamed about. I don't have the super-hero smelling ability. I don't have any real food cravings. Instead I have puking, constipation, gas, zits, and a rash all over my back! Which sounds way worse than it actually is. The puking ended around week 14 or 15, the constipation ended around week 15, the zits come and go as they see fit, and the rash on my back, doesn't itch, doesn't hurt, doesn't bother me one bit! I'm really starting to enjoy pregnancy, or at least the idea of our little blessing coming soon.
August 2, 2008
Dan and I are so excited and we feel so blessed, and we are truly enjoying the miracle of life God is doing in me. I have to daily let go and give all my fears over to God, but in return he blesses me so abundantly and fills me with such joy and peace.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
18 weeks
(Shout out to Brother) Happy Birthday Brian! Hope it was a great day! Hope you enjoyed your wakeup call as much as we did! I love you to pieces!
