Being a Mom

A year ago from tomorrow, April 23, 2008, Dan and I found out we were pregnant. What a crazy year it's been.

It's funny but I kinda miss being pregnant...well second trimester pregnant. (First trimester I was horribly sick, and the 9th month was not so fun either). Pregnancy has to be one of the weirdest seasons of life. You just have no way of knowing whats gonna happen next; how you'll feel tomorrow, what the delivery will be like, what it will be like to be a parent. You could have any symptom and it's somehow caused by pregnancy hormones. I felt I was so huge at times, but looking back, I was not nearly as big as I thought I was. All of December was spent waiting for baby girl to come, not knowing what to expect at all; excited, scared, and everything in between. There's no way to truly know what to expect because it is so different for everyone. You spend everyday waiting to see what will happen the next day. I wish I would have enjoyed it a little more, not that I didn't, but it's just such a crazy time of life!

I never really wrote about my delivery, so if you know the details, click here. (I made it a link for all those who don't wanna know ;)

I only really cried about three things during the 21 hours of labor...I cried about my IV, (I HATE IV's and become a bit of a baby when I have to get them), I cried when I had to decide if I was gonna get an epidural or not, and I cried when they put Hazel on my chest right after she was born. Three completely different kinds of tears, but the third one was a glorious moment.

My life since becoming a mom...Again, you just can't know what to expect, every child is different. Hazel just so happens to be pretty perfect :) The first week was hell! All I could think was, "What have we done! Our lives were so wonderful before!" I've never been so tired in my life. And you just don't know anything, in spite of how many books I'd read. But my Mom came to the rescue for week two! She would take Hazie after her 7am feeding and let Dan and I sleep for another 2 hours. It was so wonderful to have an extra set of hands there to feed us and keep the house in some sort of order. Sadly she was only there a week, but after a few days of her being gone, we started to handle life again on our own.

Those first weeks I had such evening anxiety...not knowing what the night will hold. As soon as it started getting dark (which was early in January), I'd start to get really nervous. "Should I go to bed now since she is sleeping, even though it's only 7pm? What if she's up all night?" Hazel has always been a great sleeper (except when sick), never really confusing day vs night. But there was still the fear that tonight could be a bad one. Also during those first weeks, I would only watch "Happy" TV, as I called it. I wasn't emotionally ready for any sort of drama. I think it was like February when I finally started getting caught up on Lost. It took me awhile to really get back on to the internet too. For some reason I didn't want to sit at the computer. I felt like there was a million other things I should be doing...cleaning, reading baby books, cooking, sleeping, etc. But all seemed to go back to "normal", a new normal, when Hazel was around 4 weeks old.

One of my big fears about having a kid was that my relationship with Dan would suffer and change. I can safely say it hasn't. We love each other just as much as before and together we love and cherish our little girl. We like being 3 instead of 2 and we enjoy one another the same as before. We go out to eat, we hang out at home, we IM all day long...our relationship hasn't changed at all. Our life has changed, but not our relationship.

My struggles so far have been breastfeeding, and less patience with Dan. I haven't had any major issues with feeding, I just didn't realize how time demanding it would be, and I have yet to really do it with ease, like outside of the house. (Plus there's the new thing of Hazel not eating that I blogged about last week). As for my shorter fuse...I think I'm a bit more tired and worn out, so I end up taking it out on Dan a bit. It's strange how I can be so patient with Hazel all day, even when she's crazy, and then Dan comes home and I suddenly have no more patience. I hate it, and he doesn't deserve it, but with God's help I'm working on it. All in all, I enjoy Hazel so much and I'm learning daily about this whole "mom" thing. By far the hardest thing I've done, but worth it for sure.